The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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