I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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