Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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