I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
