I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
