Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
