so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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