last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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