i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
