Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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