My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
