Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
