Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
