Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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