Your tits are I can't wait for
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
