Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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