Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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