i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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