The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
