Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
