I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
