remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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