whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
