Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
