my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
