Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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