is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
