just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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