Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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