Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
