I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
