Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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