if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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