Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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