Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
