I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
