just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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