mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
