how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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