Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
