You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
