my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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