Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
