I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
