you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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