My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
