I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
