Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
