if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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