If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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