another moral hangover. fuck.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
