I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
