My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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